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It was the first game I'd ever played that involved using one of those hideously-smelling plastic rugs that stuck to your feet and cats would piss and shit all over them and dogs would chew and throw up on them and they would never fucking work after being rolled up like two fucking times and sometimes it didn't even want to roll up at all which meant having it out on the fucking floor all the time, on the floor, constantly, mocking you, begging you to dance, dance, dance for me! Guys, stealth is more than just an advanced Red Light Green Light and it'll be much better if I didn't feel as though I'm just waiting for a freight train to clear some tracks in order for me to carry on. But before we can leave these barracks here, we need to wait. The motorbike chase scene from the film is poorly rendered in game leading to Nazi bikers "doing Russian Kasack dances" and Steve McQueen in some hilarious death poses one where he's face down with his leg cocked up and bent backward over him thanks to poorly thought out Ragdoll Physics and poor driving controls. His make-over of one of the Bratz consists of him painting her face bright green. And oh boy, he's so, so right. Wait wait waitwait wait wait WAIT.

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And this isn't just because this is stage one, in every other stage I've played that involved guards walking about, this becomes a tiresome idea very quickly. Oh my god is that that Bratz game- Caddy: Yeah, now that I think about it, those things were actually fucking awful. The joke Caddy makes about bleeping out the word "Smurf" from Brainy's lines. Rather than shooting it, though, he actually goes to his girlfriend's house and lets her daughters slaughter the game for him, set to the most unfittingly intense music possible. And here's the thing, most of you know that MGS is one of my favourite franchises of all time and yes there's a fair amount of waiting in those games as well, I understand this, but in MGS you're constantly on guard, constantly thinking ahead, planning your next move, scouting enemy locations, dispatching some enemies, setting up distractions and even if you are moving through enemy sights you are moving ever so slightly. You better watch your mouth, young man, this is a kid's game. I know this is a stealth game and we need to get around the enemies and take our time blahblblblblah but I found that nearly half of my time playing this game ended with me stood around like a hamfaced dickhead just waiting!

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Groove Party His increasingly-bitter rant about the dance mat peripheral in his Jungle Book: Oh my god is that that Bratz game- Caddy: But before we can leave these barracks here, we need to wait. But Colonel, since it's really cold down here, don't be surprised if I can't hit the Select button to call you on the Codec. And oh boy, he's so, so right. Okay, guys, let's get real for a second. And this isn't just because this is stage one, in every other stage I've played that involved guards walking about, this becomes a tiresome idea very quickly.

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MacDonald's horrifyingly rendered face which Caddy likens to Cole Phelps if he was made from ham. Wait wait waitwait wait wait WAIT. But before we can leave these barracks here, we need to wait.

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